nonsense

this is terrible.
haven been studying for the past 6 weeks. sleep n sleep n sleep. like some clockwork specifically made to sleep. anytime, anywhere, jus give me 5 mins to close my eyes and i'm gone.
this is too much. n i still feel tired after i wake up. even if i have more than enough rest already.
this is simply too much.

argh! starting to feel stress, but there's massive inertia to do anything cos i'm feeling tired all the time.
sense of impending doom. dread waking up everyday.
jus wanan escape, but there's no where to run to.

slipping away every second...into this abyss of self-worthlessness...
this is terrible.. i mus find my way back. quickly... i need divine intervention. keep my head straight. keep my sanity intact.

i tink i jus found a source of my dying soul.. nothing motivates me now. i need God to lead me.
i need to follow Him.

home....

home!!! mix of emotions...
i miss home,.. sis, bro, parents, bed, aircon, comfort....
but it's like returning to a guilded cage, a jail, claustrophobic... sucking out my life...
will jus have to cling on to whatever breathe of life-sustaining fresh air out from my photos.
heh...

miss HCH..

tears welled up in my eyes when e plane took off from IGI airport in Delhi.. no idea why..it's my mind playing w me... it's weird.. never wld i have dreamed of feeling such a mix of emotions... esp on leaving india..
it's towering mountains, beautiful skies, serene rivers coursing through e countryside...e fireflies n glowworms.. e stars in e night sky... n e strolls n e chats in e cool night breeze..
my ideal orphanage spot.. e kids...ppl @ e mess....e Drs... oh how i miss them so...
my haven of refuge.... one day i shall return...

we 4 (tunnren, jing jing, mark n me) were jus sitting @ e nice big spacious transit area in thailand airport (so diff fr e transit area on e way to india!!! - dark n dreary..)
n we were actually kinda dreading coming home.. not e family part.. but e sch part.. e hospital part...
after having exposure to such warm, friendly, condusive, encouraging and motivating learning environment,.. e env back here is so harsh, crude, competitive, throat-wringing, life-sucking life tt bleeds one dry ....
will hafta brace ourselves for reverse culture shock...e plentitude of choices..e variety..e madness..
thank goodness for the One everlasting source =) He has His plans... showed me, taught me, moulded me, strengthened me, guided me n comforted me...
He sent me there for a reason. after goin thru all e nonsense n all...He placed me there.. His love really noes no boundaries... n He keeps reminding me time and again.. n always i jus feel i'm not tt good for Him. i mus strive for so much more.. but He noes our limits. our needs. trust in Him...

thankful also for His nurture of Alphacamp.. the wonders He shows me each year.. e growing tt i c in each n every comm member of diff years.. e heartache i feel for others... tho i'm not part of it anymore... tho i try to b as much as i can... it's like watching my own child grow n blossom..slowly but steadily n surely each year...each step of the way... we r jus threads in His tapestry of life...

so paiseh for taking so long @ e duty free-shop on arrival @ e airport... heh..made all the families wait so long.. was like 2nd last to claim baggage from e conveyor.. *sheepish*
=P

such a shopaholic hahah...quite terrible..
feel guilty.. massive internal bleed from all e cost...keke....

india..it's another world out there... a place where everyone shld go n learn abt life. experience e pits... n one can truely appreciate e comforts we have... e simplicity,e down to earth attitude...e non-overbearing mannerism..e warmth n basic way of leading a human life.

once in a lifetime. a lesson to b remembered always n to carry w me thru rest of my life.

*~LaSt dAy~*

woke up @ 545am this morning!!!!! cos e sun was shining in thru e curtains!!! cld feel e heat...
laallalalal~ it's our last day here!!! going home tom!!!1 wheeee~~~!!!!
found some hidden money amongst my belongings.. hee hee.. means i can shop abit more!!! not tt i've not spent alot already... =PpPpPPpppp
gonna go the Delhi bookstore later.. get some med books. hope they r much much cheaper... then can box them up n check in as a piece of luggage...

wow...it's e last day.. finally... seems like i'm (most of us) have been waiting for this day to come... going home tom.. 2 months jus fly past....
jus no contact w anyone..2 months away from everything...isolation....
duno if i'll get hit badly by reverse culture shock when i get back...
pray for a smooth transition...adapting to here was relatively fast... most tings aren't tt much different.. jus gotta get use to e heat, e dirt n e smell...n e food..seems like alot huh...one whole package...
i guess it's easy to get use to new tings..cos it's exciting n interesting ... n cos there's always e old stuff to fall back on if anything goes wrong...
happiness...is when u haf little needs in life...then u'll b very happy...
=) each passing day...it's a blessing...

gonna sleep n eat n try to stay healthy n keep fit when i get back. hahahah
my health plan hasn't been working .. not for 4 years hahaha.. super jialatz manz... hehehhee....
no harm trying lar. =P c how long it'll last...

oh Jazzy (jaspreet) big bro called last nite!!!! wat a surprise!!!!! =) now tt he handed in his thesis.. can relax BIG time man!!!! luckily all 3 of us in e same room. so everyone gotta talk to him =) baby's coming in august!!! whee!!! lookin forward to seeing all those pictures!! =)

n i got sms from ah hong!! hahah.. another surprise!!!!! =P
feel so loved man... heee...
k lar. gotta go...
books time!! ahhaha must try to convert back to book worm hahaha...curb by shopaholic mode...bleahz.....
=((((

shop till drop...literally...

jaipur is crazy.. it's really crazy.. there are so many streets of shopping!!!! all interlinked n crosslinked n hyperlinked... u get e idea...
it's shopping madness... e biggest drawback is tt it's jus so super duper dirty... then again.. there's no clean place here in india except in ppl's homes...but it's more dirty here..
it's quite disgusting @ times.. like e public toilets arnd every corner.. it's so public n foul-smelling..hold my breathe everytime we near a corner...but it's only here in jaipur u get such public urinals...bleahz...

shopping... it's good.. lotsa clothes n little knick-knacks.. bote lotsa tops ahah will be so indian when i get back..
n SHAWLS!! hahaha... some r pretty ex..some r good bargains...
bote so many things tt my backpack is jus overflowing now.. terrible.. i dun dare open it anymore.. unless it's trying to stuff somemore things into it. but there's no SPACE!!!! argh...*groanz*...
even my duffle bag is like beginning to fill up... shopping n shopping n shopping.. heheh...
i can set up a booth jus to sell all my stuff n i bet u i'll earn money man. hahahah

cant's stand e auto-rickshaw ppl.. they r so in ur face..luckily i'm not e only guy.. poor mark.. he gets e most stress.. n everyone deals w him regarding money matters. all e haggling for prices of auto-rs...of course when shopping it's diff.. hahahah
even e shopkeepers dun haf e energy to keep up w all e sg-rean girls choosing n bargaining.. esp lz.. she's e best man haha e price jus gets lower n lower..

not so sunny todae.. so quite good.. we walked like 1/2 e way back b4 we got a auto to sit on...
e traffic is more insane than in delhi..cars, bicycles, autos, rickshaws, cabs, ppl, cows, horses, camels, dogs, rats...everything i tell u.. jus come n go @ will... madness.. e only time vehicles adhere to traffic lights is @ those major intersections.. or else sure kena lang-ga by oncoming traffic.. n when e light turns green e vehicles jus zoom off regardless of whether there's anyting in front of them. CRAZY....

everyone tinks we r north koreans. it's irritating whenever there's "aniyo-hasaiyo" being shouted into ur ear all e time... super irritating.. feel like slapping some of them soemtimes. jus shut up n leave us alone. if we wanna go into ur shop n buy sthg we will.. dun come n bother us ler.. bleahz...

gonna haf dinner then hide in room n watch hindi movie hahaha Dhoom.. heard e soundtrack in jaspreet;s car, then nitin's car then umpteenth times in this restaurant last nite... can singalong liao man...

super sleepy... cant tink properly...
n i''m broke. i only had 105 RUPEES @ e end of e day todae. hahaha
must collect back my debts haha n start using the card. hahahha
BROKE....
no more shopping le.. not much left haah jus med books when back in delhi...
going to take 8hr train to Agra tom.. then sleep @ nite. then TAJ MAHAL on tues!!!! then back to delhi e next day.. then then then... HOME!!!!
woopiieee!!!!!! cant wait man!!!!
my nice room n bed n CLEANLINESS!!!! FINALLY!!! bleah...

if u've been to india .. u've been everywhere... everywehre else is better.. definitely..
"it's the pits" here man....quote dr J.... kekekeke...

@ jAipUr

HOT HOT HOT!!!! room temp is like 35 degrees celcius! came back to hide in aircon hotel room.. too hot to shop outside...

overnight bus was ok.. but v uncomfy position, so cldnt' sleep properly... n e bus driver was speeding (how am i not surprised...) so e whole bus was swerving left n rite... tunn ren n nuoqi got quite abit of motion sickness...me n ching ching jus slept thruout... was qutie cold in e bus.. but cold better then hot.
reached jaipur arnd 630am. then checked in hotel.. then rested/slept till 1130.. went out for lunch.. had pizza hut!! yummy! hehe..
n now back in hotel (arnd 3pm) hiding frmo the heat.. really gives u a headache man. terrible! there are so many shops!!!! the whole streets. actually many streets!!! but jus driving thru them gives u blisters...so might go out again arnd evening time.. bleah...

ok jus got msg tt going out @430 again. heh.. goign to e national handloom shop.. e same chain of shopping complex we went 2 in Jodhpur..e 5-storey mustafa-like shopping building.. good ting abt there is tt it's aircon, AND it's fixed price. so no need for hagging n no worrying abt getting fleeced.. keke... mainly goign there so tt e other 3 (TR, Cx2 n NK) can go shop.. cos 3 of us already been there...

sleepy man.. n hot!!!! shall go back to room to hide n sleep awhile =)
home in 7days!!!! counting down man!!!! kekeke... cant take e every-other-day-travelling.. jus too tiring le... not rested...sleezzz....

Udaipur - takin overniter 2 jaipur

in udaipur... came here 2 c e lake. but IT DRIED UP!! haven dried up in e past 23 yrs!!!! can u believe it!! wat luck! n no fish n chips in one restaurant cos e lake dried up n there's no fish... HA..
went to the LAke Palace n had seafood platter!! superb!!!! FINALLY seafood in 7weeks!!!!!!! e salmon was fried n delicious!! e thick coffee milkshake is one of e best i've ever tasted!!! n i used 2 super dislike milkshake (except e strawberry one @ Mos burger).. heh... e palace is humongous n super classy.pretty place!! expensive too!!!!

fatigue of travelling gettin 2 me...haven fully recovered from e 8hr - no aircon, no toilet breaks no leg space....phew.. it's w God's grace we all survived everything n are still healthy n safe... praise Him!!
all e experience here is once in a lifetime man!!! i recommend everyone to try it once when u r in ur youth..
keke..
i might come back again.. but go back to HCH...prob not travel arnd anymore...
dun like e haggling of prices... for taxis, auto-rickshaw, for ANYTHING n EVERYthing!!!! jeez... our hairs all turning grey... cant' be bothered 2 bargain now liao... price dun come down i dun buy.. belah..

met up w e other 3 girls here @ Udaipur.. nice hotel.. pretty n big!! n jus by the lake..if only e lake had water...
now sharing room w tunn ren n mark.. lz went over 2 join her 'jie meis'... happy reunion... she's happier now.. but also more antongonistic 2 mark cos all her 'backings' r arnd.. poor guy... feeling e stress of having 2 'protect' 5 girls... it's a guy thing... oh well.. pray hard ..He's been watching over us all the way man!!! =)
lotsa little stuff n all... but can feel His presence =)

sunset @ monsoon palace (on top of a cliff) was simply breathtaking!!! if only......sigh.. heh..

sunrise here is @ 4+ nowadays..n sunset @ 7/8+...

getting more nmore hot..
e overnight train later is air con. better work man.. or will suffocate...
TR wanna go back to room to use toilet.. so gtg....

heat heat.. melting....
feeling bloaty most of e time man.. all tt travelling..
taking antibiotics.. my finger abscess decreased in swelling... =) not so pain anymore...

~ farewell HCH...=(

e last day.. 20052005..good day.. no?
was super busy e whole day! can't believe e last day @ HCH wld b e xiongest day of all.... teaching session @ 6am, chapel, doctor's morning meeting, photo taking.. running arn collecting e 5 corrected versions by e various 5 departments.. trying 2 locate missing copies...n IT WAS SO HOT!!!! wat practically sweating e whole day.... n i dun sweat tt easily.. bleah.. it's only e beginning of e heat....
in e end, only 2 copies were corrected - paeds (Koshy, Benjamin & Dr Indira fr CMC Vellore) n family med (Lydia & Laji)... e rest...well... eh hem... were deemed to be 'perfect'.... ya...
slack man... n we had to pia @ e last min to make quite alot of changes for e paeds doses.

then rushed over 2 Dr jeff's place 2 upload final input of photos burn e photos into cd..... took up 2 cds.. almost max e 2nd one too.. made copies for each of us n also for Koshy, Kripa, Harry n Dr Sabu... had debrief w Dr Jeff...
hugged e kids for e last time....sigh.. Conner was patting us when he hugged us... sigh...
will miss them lots...

went over to mary's place 4 a while n chatted abit, passed her some of my salvars n also shoes.. hee.. but my bag is still full to e brim!!!! even w all e food gone n all!!!! ARGH~!!!!! JL man... not like i bought super alot of stuff lor!!!! ok mayb i bought abit. but not ALOT leh.... arghhhhhhh...
gave her 1 of e v few keychains we brought along w us.. n also got Sema 2 come over n gave him one... cos they were closest 2 us.... n jaspreet...we gave him b4 he left... mary & sema were quite happy tt we mentioned their names first when we were giving our farewell/thank you speech @ chapel in e morning.. cos they say they dun usu hear their names remembered up in front of everyone... hee... Mark named e Mess members.. heh... n they said it sounded abit like attendance taking in e morning.. kekeke...
will miss them.. pray tt they'll b ok.. not easy for them in a new env too.. being fr e northeast is actually quite a diff part of india.. it's more chinese in many ways...life, looks, culture..n language... there r super alot of dialects man..

mary's going thru a tough time... n we got quite close in e last couple of wks.. tink wat she's going thru now is sthg i mite not b able to take if God were 2 put me thru. i'ld prob go crazy...then again, He puts u thru trials tt u can handle... n i'm thankful 4 my time here...

experienced quite abit of things... tho din really study or brush up clinical skills or did anything work related... bleah...
feel like coming 2 india 2 help e kids here might really be my calling...
have always had tt though @ e back of my mind..to help kids in less developeed area.. but never anything tt specific as to which region or area.. but these 6 wks here opened my eyes to c kids in so many varied situations & environments...in wards, hospitals, good families 2 villages, slums & beggers... everytime a kid comes up 2 me to beg 4 money... i'll cringe...
we were told not to give any money 2 any beggers 2 all. or else e whole clan will descend upon u n devour u ... but i can give 2 1 or 2 no? but how much is enough? mayb for 1 or 2 meals.. but e kid will prob never grow up 2 c adulthood... times lidat i feel totally loss n helpless.. jus looking @ e child staring @ me w hopeful eyes... my heart jus aches like mad n i feel like crying then n there.. each & every time.
now when i see any begger child approachin from far off, i jus shut my eyes tight.. & hope tt he passes by quickly.... sigh...

i digress...
back 2 topic...

went also 2 koshy & lydia's place for a little while 2... felt abit sad saying goodbye 2 them.. left my measuring tape w Koshy cos he was super fascinated n delighted w it.. like it's his new toy... heh... it's a nice tape... =P

been checking e mailbox everyday n i still haven received e package from liting yet!!!! sigh.. wanted to give e crosses 2 each person myself.. now i cant... sigh.. jus hafta leave behind some 'instructions'.. sian man... hope they like it as much as i do...thanks liting!

went 2 buy ice cream for e farewell @ e Mess... went late for dinner 2 cos then e usual (aka "old foggies" =P would b there...) arnd 830+9+pm.. then e Vellore kids wld b gone.. but 2 my horror, they were still there!!!! i was quite irritated actually... cos they dun give me good vibes... n they r rowdy n frankly quite unfriendly... or mayb it's a groupie thing.. i duno... even some of e usual mess ppl start 2 turn up later for dinner jus so as 2 avoid them @ e mess.. then again.. when they r there, there's not much space in it.. so mite as well wait till they r gone first b4 eating...

anyway, they were there.. n they took part in e usual farewell tingy... jus quite diff.. abit draggy n all.. but when everyone was singing e 'Friends r friends forever'... i began 2 tear... sigh... it was jus sad... bleah.... but din cry ler...

dun feel ready 2 leave.. if only i could have stayed longer... going back in e future wld b diff... but He has His plans.. HCH will always have a special place in my heart... e ppl especially... it was a family.. will miss all of them...

din really sleep last nite... slept like 1.5 hr.. cos writing little 'love letters' to koshy, lydia n e Mess members... will miss them all loads... e fun n laughter n e warmth.. n will miss e kiddos too, conner, cosette, cameron, ammlu.. bleah.. tot all of them how to ^5 hahaha.... e rest r tryign to unteach them tt n trying 2 teach ^10 n ^1.. ahh wt nonsense =PppP
din really get good sleep this past week too.. cos lz either talked in her sleep/grinded her teeth/snore.. bleah.. there was 1 nite all 3 were combined! wah.. i was super zonked out n grouchy e next day cos i keep waking up to e teeth grinding.. bleah!!!! terrible....!!!!!!
must be e stress of HCH.. but no stress there wat!! belah... hope touring will b better...

left this morning @ arn 630am... Dr Jeff, Mary n Bina's mom came to send us off... mary will really miss us man... will miss her big hugz!...

slept 1.5 hrs on n off in e taxi on e way to Saharanpur to catch e train 2 Delhi...
then waited abt 1 hr @ e train station.. bag was super heavy!!!! n my back was jus dying.. n my bag was abit off-center too!!! arhg have to repack!!!!! darnED!!!!
mad rush up e train when it came.. cos gotta get onto it b4 it zoomed off in like 3 mins... belah... n had to rush 2 try to find palce 2 put luggage.. MAN!!! e ppl here are fast!!! duno how they do it..

slept on e 3hr train ride... then when we reached New Delhi....
WAH KAO E CROWD!!!! excatly like on tv man!!!! PETRIFYING!!!!! macham no place to squeeze thru one lor!!!! i instinctly stuck my hand out to lz n we held on tightly 2 each other.. n also clinging on to Mark's bag while he bravely plunged himself headlong into e crowd... up e bridge, across it.. to e parking area... n quickly negotiated a taxi price .. n there we were in e taxi.. sweating like crazy.. stuck in a jam rite @ e entrance of e train station... man.. e heat!!!!

now we r @ YMCA... e internet here is cheaper.. haha

saw my hp bill report.. sheesh... my pockets.... i'm getting full thickness burns man...
i'm starting to miss Mess food.. weird huh? after complaining abt it hahaha... oh well.. my mind is playing tricks on me man.. bleah...
shall go now.. have lunch ahahah. haven had breakfast or lunch..it's 3.43pm now.. n lz jus ordered delivery i tink... suppose 2 arrive in 40 mins..

meeting zareema & Kara @ 5pm for debrief. ahah now hafta adjust back 2 reality... sigh...
hahah she has a complex haah i wonder wat.. hmmm.. kekeke...
i wanna go back to HCH leh... nice little cosy place w nice ppl n env. hehe... my tiredness erupting sporadically..
so fast.. 6 wks ago i was in Delhi.. not knowing wat to expect for e next 6 weeks.. now i jus wanna go back to tt 6 wks... heh..

life goes on...